Life must go on!

Dear Mom,

It has been 1 year, 8 months and 3 days since you took your last breath.  I simply cannot believe that it has been that long since I last spoke to you.  Actually, it was a couple of days before you died that I last spoke to you and well over two years ago since I heard your normal voice.

I asked Dad to bring me some videos of you so that I could hear your voice.  I was really insistent that he bring them and in true Dad style, he killed himself to get all of the videos put onto DVD for me, spending money he probably did not have.  He arrived with them and then I couldn’t watch them.  He was disappointed, I know he was.  I just couldn’t face watching you and knowing you had gone.  I have since watched a few – my christening, Jess’ 1st and 2nd christmas – but that is all.  It is weird to watch those things and know that two people I loved very much are gone.  Life is simply so unfair.

Dad is with Maureen now.  You probably know that, but I needed to let you know.  Do you remember that time when you were in bed, so weak, and you asked me if I thought Dad would find someone else?  I know you couldn’t stand the idea of being replaced by someone else.  I knew in my heart that dad could not be on his own for long and I think deep down inside you knew it too.  Gail reacted very badly to it.  I was more accepting, after all Life must go on, right?  But I defended her – I always defend her.  No-one understands her like you and me mom.  No-one cares for her like we do.  I really wish I could bring her over here.

So dad is with Maureen.  It is weird.  Death is like that – a stark reminder that nothing ever remains the same and that life must go on.  Dad is happy, I think, but I know that he misses you so much.  I am grateful that he has someone to fill the void that you so obviously left behind.  You were his rock, mom.  His guiding light.  I think he is a bit lost without you.  However, you will be very proud of how he is progressing with the B&B.  I know you worried about how he would be able to manage the business, but mom he has done so well.  He has learned how to use the computer, learned how to manage the online bookings and the B&B has grown because of it.  Dad has also connected with his family.  Ann and Dad see much more of each other now – in fact I would even venture to say that they are probably as close as they have ever been.  Jo even went to spend the weekend with dad recently.

Dad has kept in touch with your side of the family.  Not much, but he does still stay in touch.  I have had some lovely emails from Sandra and I am in constant contact with Aysha.  Despite their dysfunction (and who isn’t dysfunctional), your side of the family is so lovely, so warm.  I do wish we had spent more time with them.

We have moved into our new home.  It was bittersweet for me – I so wanted you to see it, to feel the excitement of moving in.  But Dad got to see it at Christmas.  Christmas is hard for dad.  I feel so much for him.  Having Jordan has so given me a better understanding of Dad and I am a lot more patient with him.  Life is so black and white to him, but within the parameters of a moving goal post.  It is hard sometimes, but I really enjoyed having dad here.

Jess is expecting a baby – yes, you are going to be a great grandmother!!  I cannot believe that at the age of 44, I am going to be a grandmother.  When Jess told me, I am ashamed to admit that I was ashamed.  Ashamed of her for falling pregnant and having no sense of direction.  You were never ashamed of me mom, never ashamed of how I lived my life.  That was your gift mom, to the world, your unconditional love of whomever came into your life.  I hear and feel your love every day mom and I promise that I am no longer ashamed of Jess, I am proud of her, of all that she is, of all that she achieves every day.  She is very afraid.  Afraid of life sometimes, of making the wrong decisions, of not having direction, and especially of being a mom.  But I know that if I give her the kind of support you gave me, that unconditional love, she will be okay, just as I am okay, even with you gone.

Jess is having a boy.  They are going to name him Cameron Donald Ingram.  I like the name Cameron.  I wish we had more money to help them out, but I also recognise that this is the universe’s way of helping her and Matt to grow, to learn to budget, to learn about sacrifice.  It isn’t easy for Jess, but she is resilient and she will make it.  I love her so much mom.

Jordan has been going through some difficulties and it has been hard not having you here in the flesh to talk them out with you.  Being on the autistic spectrum is so difficult for him.  For some reason, I went into a momentary relapse of denial.  I just started worrying about what it would be like for him in the future, what it would be like for us.  He barely leaves his lounge, barely does anything except read his Naruto Fan fiction.  It is heart breaking to me, but the flip side is that he isn’t out getting into trouble.  Dave and I have haven’t been out in the longest time.  We go shopping, or we may go for a quick lunch, but that is that.  Our relationship has suffered, but thankfully, we are still very much in love, although I suspect I am a tad more distant and disengaged than I have been in the past.  It is true that I now live in my own world and have become a recluse.  I am okay with that though.

I am okay, Mom.  I miss you every day.  I miss being able to speak to you.  I miss the compass you used to be in my life.  I miss your friendship.  My soul broke when you died mom.  But I think I am slowly on the mend.  I am doing a course called Soul Restoration and it is helping me to face my demons.  Those demons that I spent so many days and nights drinking away.  Sobriety has not brought the things I thought it would, but it has brought me something more.  I am slowly mending mom.  Slowly finding my sense of self.  I found out that I love to create mom.  I love card making, scrapbooking, painting (even it it is just abstract) – I just love to create and then give it away.  Of course, I still like to write.  My mind is forever a series of story lines.  Story lines with no body to them, but perhaps one day I will have the patience to thrash them out.  You know, of course, that I am afraid of rejection, afraid that I am not good enough.  But that is the story of my life I guess and at the end of the day, my life must go on.

I have to go now mom, we are off to friends of ours for a curry.  I will write again, soon, I promise.  I hope you are warm and happy wherever you are.  I love you.

Love Sarah x

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