Depression, celebration and hairloss

I emerge from my psychologists’ office feeling really low.  I wonder if these sessions are helping at all.  I wonder if there is any point in talking to an absolute stranger about my life and the issues within it that constantly dog it.

Rewrite your script.

The words from Stephen Covey’s book “Seven habits of highly successful people” filter into my brain.  I need to rewrite my script.  I know this to be true.  I have no idea where to start.  I cry.  My sense of hopelessness has reached an all time low.  Dying crosses my mind, but in truth I’m too much of a coward, and I could never do that to my family.

My phone pings.  I look down at my phone.  A Facebook notification from a woman who runs Goddess workshops and also provides a community of like minded spiritual individuals to get together.  She is an awesome person.  I used to frequent the workshops often and in truth I have never felt such a connectedness.  But then I lost my belief – belief in the after life, belief in anything supernatural.  I became an atheist.  Not a happy atheist mind you.  there is no joy in believing that you only have three score years and ten on this earth and then that it is it.  Adios amigos, lights out, to be never more.

I look at the notification.

Come and join the Celebration Revolution.  Take the 30 day challenge.  Post a video of yourself for 30 days talking about what you are celebrating this day.  This is more than gratitude, this is CELEBRATING.  By the way, it’s a closed group.

I humph.  I have NOTHING to celebrate.  I have put those people, that life, behind me.  I am an atheist now.  Not a happy atheist, I grant you, but what can you do, you can’t force belief!

Throughout the day the notification dogs me.  It can’t hurt to join the group and at least see what others are saying, can it?  I join the group.  The videos are amazing.  Such a celebration of life.  I miss celebrating life.

It isn’t long before I decide I want to post a video.  I am afraid.  I am overweight, hairless, miserable.  People will think I am ridiculous.  I am not in a happy place and everyone sounds so damn happy.  Will it be okay to post a celebration of where I am at?  I decide to sleep on it.

I wake up knowing I am going to take the plunge.  I get showered, dressed and put on some makeup to at least look half decent.  I carefully place the cap and scarf that I am now using to conceal my baldness onto my head.  I could not feel more unfeminine if I tried, but I push the self-depracating thoughts aside.  I want to do that video.

I get everything ready for the morning and finally sit at my desk.  Much to my annoyance, I discover that my new computer’s video quality is totally crap.  I have to use my phone.  I’ve been thinking about what I am going to say.

Hi Everyone.  I suffer from clinical depression and so it was kind of hard for me to find something to celebrate.  What I am celebrating is the fact that despite my depression, no matter how dark or horrible it gets, I can never give up on myself.  I think I am genetically hardwired to just always have hope.  So that is what I am celebrating today – the fact that I can never give up on myself.

I press send and pray that it hasn’t posted to my facebook page.  I don’t want my friends seeing this.

It hasn’t, but somehow I have posted it twice to the celebration revolution.  Almost immediately I get three comments of support, how all the women have been in the same place, how brave I was and how there is light within me that will shine through.  I cry again.

I watch more videos in the car before I go for my morning coffee.  I am in awe of these amazing human beings.  I go in for my coffee.  Coffee and raisin toast, my morning constitutional.

My phone rings.  I look at my phone. It’s from California.

Bloody sales people. 

I go to cancel the call, but then decide to answer it.

Sarah speaking.

Hi Sarah, it’s Michael speaking from Farrell Hair?

I pause.  A second passes as the penny drops.

OH MY GOD!!  I can’t believe it.

He laughs a full belly laugh.

I never tire of the shock people get when I phone them – all over the world.

We chat – about the time difference, the upcoming fourth of July celebrations, about the weather.

So, you obviously know that I am phoning you because you emailed us about your hair.

I nod, even though he can’t see me.  I’m holding my breath.

Well, Richard is going to be in Melbourne on the 5th and 6th July and he would like to invite you for a no-obligation consultation to see how he can help you.  It is free.

The cynic in me knows it’s free because he charges around $2,000 for his hair systems.  He can afford it.  But I don’t care.  I’ve seen his hair systems and they give women (and men) their lives back.

Thank you so much.  I would LOVE an appointment. 

Great. (I suddenly love that deep american accent).  How is Friday the 5th at noon for you.

It’s great Michael, bloody well great!!

Yes, that should be fine.

We end our conversation, him clearly buoyed my excitement and me, well, just plain excited.

I do a mini dance of joy by swinging my arms around at my table.  The guy next to me looks at me like I’m a little weird.  At that precise moment I don’t care.

I rush home to do another celebration video.

Sorry for posting a second video so close to the first, but I truly have something to celebrate!  You see, I suffer from what is probably most women’s worst nightmare.  I have female pattern baldness that has become quite bad of late, consistent with being middle aged.  I have taken to wearing caps and scarves as you can see, but I received a phone call from this guy who does amazing hair replacement systems and he phoned me ALL THE WAY FROM CALIFORNIA to invite me for a consultation when he is in Melbourne next week to see if he can help me!  (At this point I get emotional).  It is amazing how a women’s hair is so closely linked to her femininity and I have felt so unfeminine for the longest time.  But now, that is about to change and yes, I’m doing the dance of joy.

Yes, it turns out I have quite a lot to celebrate!


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