Depression is a bitch! It saps you of any semblance of sanity. Your view of the world becomes so distorted. Like the woman in The Yellow Wallpaper, you imagine things that are simply not there, you descend into a pit of hell. It is indeed Hades on earth.
There are days that I feel so lonely, so alone in this self imposed pit of despair, I feel so powerless to dig my way out of it. Yet I must. This is no way to exist. No way to live. This is not living. This is breathing, with no colour.
I long for simplicity and calm. Peace of mind.
I need to start digging. One messy clump at a time.
I’m overweight. I hate that. Technically I am clinically obese. Who makes up these charts anyway? The irony is that I don’t even really like food. I don’t like to cook, though I wish I did. I eat purely to fill the bottomless void that constantly tugs at my soul. Food: my friend, my nurturer, my executioner.
We have booked a holiday. In the sun and sea. I am dreading it. I don’t want to dread it. Lord knows, we need a bit of sun on our pale, exhausted skins.
I need to take control. I need to feel like I am not a victim in my own circumstance, need to feel that I am not just a bobbing, rudderless ship on a merciless sea. Grab that rudder, place your hand firmly around it’s girth, look into the distance, know your path. Steer.
Losing weight will be my first step to being the captain of my ship. It isn’t easy. Food is a sly mistress. A siren that calls you when you least expect it, when your defenses are down. She sings her eery call and submitting to it brings such sweet relief. From the pain, the yearning. She has you in her grasp, she knows it and you know it too. Life is slowly ebbing away from you.
Control. I need to take it back. I can do that. I CAN do that. I will do that.
One day at a time. Start today. One step at a time. One muddy clump at a time. Not a diet, but a lifestyle change. Find a community. A lifestyle community. Found it. Now start it. Plan, eat well, exercise, be well.
You can do this. I have faith in you.
I love you,