Declutter your life, improve your depression

It is no secret that I suffer from severe depression.

Lately, it has been getting worse.  Suicidal thoughts have even started creeping in.  Well, more like urging me emphatically.  I yell at them to fuck off, but, you know, it’s as scary as shit.

When I wake in the morning, there is a period of time, a minuscule period of time, where I feel at peace.  You know, that time between emerging from sleep and being fully conscious.  It doesn’t last long.  As soon as I am aware of my existence, the sadness settles.  It is really really crap.

My  mind is on the go all the time with the things that I have to achieve in a day.  So full is my mind, in fact, that I don’t do anything.  It all just seems so very very hard.  Too much to do and not enough time, so why even bother.  Eventually, the mind becomes so full, so cluttered, so manic, that it decides to shut down.

I had that shut down earlier this week.

I cried at all that I was not.  All that I had not achieved as I sat in my own manic, messy breakdown.

It was brutal.  My sister called me on Skype and I howled some more.  I felt like a massive pit inside of me had opened up, a black hole so big that I was sure to be sucked in never to be seen again.

And then, I woke up the following day and thought I need to fight back.  Somehow, somehow, I need to fight fucking back.

Mend the black hole, the heart will heal

I made a list of all the things I needed to do.  Fuck, that list was long.  All the things that needed doing around the house.  All the courses that I had signed up for and never started, never mind completed.  All the books I had bought (thousands) and never read.  All the people I swore I would call, but never did.  All the chores that haunted me on a daily basis.  It felt sick and liberating at the same time to write that list.  Afterwards I stared at those pages.

Right,” I thought, “I now need to eat the Elephant.”

It’s a horrible saying, I know, but there is a saying that goes “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”  It signifies that no matter how monumental a task seems, all you need to do is take it one small bit at a time, and eventually, eventually the task will be completed.

I decided to treat my messy mind like that elephant.

First of all, I started off with something that had bugged the shit out of me forever.  My pantry.  I am not much of a cook, but I like organisation.  If I was going to lose weight (also a massive thing on my list of things I have to yet achieve), I needed to get rid of all the crap and get some order to that baby.

Unfortunately, I didn’t take a before photo (trust me, it was a mess), but here is my after photo.

Organised Pantry

I’m really pleased with it.

{As a side note, I know some people are going ask me how I did it.  So here it is:  I got some Decor Pack, Stack and Store containers (on special at spotlight at the moment), some chalkboard labels and a chalk pen.  I then literally held a black bag open and emptied all the crap that I was never going to eat, that was out of date, or was just a bit dodgy looking into that baby.  I then put all the good stuff into the Decor containers.  Labelled them.  Wiped down the surfaces and voila!  It took about 2 hours in total.}

Then I decided to tackle my study.  In honesty, it wasn’t in too bad a shape, but I really needed to get it to a place where I like to be, rather than making my skin crawl every time I sat in it.

Again, no befores, just afters:

photo 3

This morning, I woke up and decided that I needed to declutter my inbox on my computer.  I have four emails, all of which are pretty active.  As I am typing this to you, my computer is downloading over 28,000 (yes, you read that right) emails. Is it any wonder that my mind is a complete and utter mess.  I am a serial subscriber.  If I see something I like, I subscribe.  And it has become untenable.

I realise that although my house is neat and tidy, I am in fact a hoarder of sorts.  I hoard craft stuff – I have every conceivable crafting equipment going, which is directly unproportional to the amount of crafting I actually do.  I also collect courses, books and email subscriptions.  I am an invisible hoarder.

I seriously need to simplify my life.

So, email is the order of the day.  I have sorted it into who the email is from and am deleting them en-masse.  Even the ones from my husband (who takes up the majority), because honestly it just daily chatter.  I don’t need to keep them.  I am checking emails for photos and that is it.  I am using a wonderful site called Unroll.Me to unsubscribe to them all, but you have to go in and delete them yourself.  28,000 emails people!!

Oops, just checked and apparently it’s up to 85,000!!!!

I think I am going to be ill.

It’s going to be a long day.  But I need to do this.  My mind needs to do this.

How about you?  Do you feel like you need to declutter?

Until next time,

SHW Signature

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12 thoughts on “Declutter your life, improve your depression

  1. Oh Sarah! So much to love in this post. I love that you write your heart out. I love that. I love that you swear when you want to swear. Sometimes, swearing just is the best way to express some emotions. There’s nothing better than a good fuck. I love your chalkboard labels and your matching containers. I might just be a little bit jealous of your pantry and desk space. I would desperately like to follow suit. I love you ‘let’s get this done’ attitude. It’s inspiring.
    A few things not to love. Those voices telling you terrible things. I don’t love those voices.
    That list that makes you want to eat elephants. I don’t love impossibly long lists.
    That as soon as you are aware of your existence the sadness descends. I don’t love that… I want to shake that depressive black dog right out of your world. I want it to catch a wake up. Sarah doesn’t need your shit! Leave her ALONE!
    There. That feels better.
    Fuck.
    So does that!

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  2. We are definitely on the same decluttering line at the moment. I live with hoarders and am becoming one because I have been giving up due to the everlasting lack of energy. But… feeling determined now after reading your blog: CRAP MUST GO!

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  3. I totally agree Sarah that decluttering – physically, electronically – helps to clear a path to a more ‘lighter’ self and a path to being able to do the things you want without the mess creeping in. I love that you tackled two areas and whipped their ass – go you. Am inspired now to do the same! x

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  4. As a daughter of a hoarder, I know where you’re coming from Sarah. It just overwhelms you and starts seeping into all parts of your life. I always feel so much better – lighter – free-er – when the junk has gone or is organised. My sister is part of a FB group that does monthly challenges – eg this month In8Toss Challenge is where you get rid of 8 items a day. I think they give you prompts too like “from the kitchen drawer” or “the computer” or “bottoms from your wardrobe”! And don’t listen to those voices please Sarah. x

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  5. Oh my goodness, I really badly need to do this! My pantry is HUGE and gets completely out of control in all of 20 seconds flat. My mother in law once attacked it, and I was in love with it while it was tidy, but once again it isn’t… Sigh… Time to get it under control again.

    PS: Thanks for joining the KK&T linkup!

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