How the founder of Problogger gave me inspiration to dream again

Do you know those moments you get where, right there in that moment, you are completely moved and you feel a shift within your soul?  Where you are so mesmerised by what you are seeing, reading, hearing, you know it is a defining moment?

Today was a pretty crappy day for me.  As soon as I woke up I knew the black dog was well and truly by my side.

Mr C is in hospital and I have had two really late nights with Master J taking full advantage of it being school holidays.  Add to that a lack of sleep and worry about the foreseeable future and it was inevitable that “Blackie” (that’s what I call him, my black dog) was coming for a visit.

I trudged through the day.  In an attempt to recreate the success of my previous attempt to shift Blackie, I decided to clean my kitchen.  It was long overdue.   It didn’t work.  By the end of it I was exhausted and in a great deal of pain.

All my feelings of anger and resentment emerged.  I am such a crap wife and mother, I told myself.  This is a constant rhetoric that I tell myself as I have an impossible image inside my mind that I am never in a million years ever going to live up to.  No-one could live up to it.  No-one.

The internal conversation made me feel wretched and as I drove to visit Mr C in hospital, I could not control the tears.

Mr C was in pain, running a temperature and not in as good spirits as he had been yesterday.  Despite my best efforts, I could not control myself.  I just cried.

More internal dialogue.

God, you are such a crap wife.  What kind of a wife cries when it is her husband that is in hospital.  You truly are the worst woman in the world, do you know that?

Mr C just held my hand whilst I told him, for the umpteenth time that I feel like I have no purpose, that my soul is sick, that i have an insatiable need to write, to blog, but have nothing to write about, that I don’t have a niche, or purpose, that I am so lost, and so very very sad.  All. The. Time.

We spoke about how over the next few weeks, whilst he is at home recovering, we will spend some time trying to work out my ‘thing’.

I sighed.  I have been down this road.  I don’t have a thing.  I don’t have anything.  No hope.  Nothing.

I got home, managed to make my way through the motions of getting Master J ready for the start of the new term tomorrow, settled down to look at good old Facebook again, when something caught my eye.

It was a link to Problogger.  Most bloggers belong to Problogger, but since I struggle with my blog, I hardly ever click through to it.  I just don’t feel like I fit in.  I don’t have a thing with which to fit.

For some reason, though, I did click.  Immediately something in the sidebar caught my eye.

It was an address that Darren Rowse, the foremost expert on blogging and who runs Problogger, gave at the 2013 World Domination Summit run by Chris Guillebeau of The $100 Startup fame.

It was 49 minutes long.  Currently, I don’t have the attention span of a gnat, so that I watched it is a feat in itself.

The address was titled “How to get dreams out of your head“.  In it Darren speaks of his story.  He starts off by recognising the dreams he had as a boy, how he lost his way, diverted from his dreams for a bit, and how he found his way back again.  He spoke about how he got into blogging, despite being a “technology luddite” and how he started his exceedingly successful blog, Digital Photography School.

I have seen many talks like this.  In a way, I am obsessed with them.  Obsessed with the “How I made a difference” stories, because I so desperately want to make a difference, to have my life have some kind of meaning.

But this one was different.  I have no idea why.  It just spoke to me, right at me, here in my lounge room.

It was a message to those people who perhaps had stopped dreaming {Hello! That’s me!}.  It was a message of encouragement to pick up those dreams again, and if you don’t know what they are, to look at markers to find them.  It was a message that said that no matter where you are in your life, you can find your dreams again.  His talk was inspiring, eloquent and shot straight through my soul.

As if that wasn’t enough, Clare Bowditch then sang the most beautiful song which just brought tears to my eyes about having dreams that change, losing them and it never being too late {It’s at the end, don’t miss it}.

Alone in my lounge, I just knew then, in that moment,  I had to keep moving forward.

I knew that if I just kept going, I would find and realise my dreams.  If I could just keep moving one foot in front of the other.

And then I did this (apologies for the crap quality – it was taken at night with my iPhone).

vintique_image

These blackboards are hanging in my study and have been sitting empty for a while, waiting for something.  This just seemed perfect.

Clinical depression is an awful affliction.  For me, the single biggest thing it has taken from me is my ability to dream.  I wonder through the day not thinking about what my future might look like since it is all I can do to make it through the next minute.  It is as if the life-dream part of my brain has died.  And without dreams there is no achievement.  And without achievement there can be no confidence.  And that is an awful place to be.

But Darren’s talk gave me inspiration tonight, inspiration to keep going, to dare to think about the possibility of dreaming again.  Right now, there are still no dreams, no flashes of inspiration, but they may happen.  I just have to keep showing up and keep moving forward and if you can do the same, then my friend, that is two more dreams that can contribute to this world and that can only be a good thing.

Until next time,

SHW Signature

 

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10 thoughts on “How the founder of Problogger gave me inspiration to dream again

  1. I very rarely watch videos, but if it had such an impact on you, I’ll make time to watch it today. Hope mr c is well on the road to recovery now.

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  2. I am a sucker for a good inspirational video. I could watch them all day. Then rewatch them. I am like a zealot wanting to share the link to the video with everyone I know (and plenty I don’t). So glad Darren’s words spoke to you. I am starting a folder in Pocket to save all the links to them so when I have a bad day (or week) and need a boost, I’m gonna have a inspiration video marathon x

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