And then there was light

You know how yesterday I was telling you about Darren Rowse and how he inspired me to at least think about dreaming again?

Well, today I made a visit to Mr C.  Today was an extended stay because Master J had started the first day of term 4 which meant I could just kick back and enjoy some quality time with my man in that private ward (get your mind out of the gutter!!).

I felt lighter this morning.  I have to really savour those moments as they don’t tend to last long.

But today was different.  I have felt light all day.  And this is despite being as hormonal as crap.

So, I was with Mr C and we got to talking about me and my life and the trajectory it had taken in the last 20 years.  We spoke about Master J having autism and how difficult it was for me to work, and how difficult his behavioural outbursts were, and how violent he used to be because he didn’t have the language skills or insight to know what he wanted, and how that violence was mostly directed towards me.  We spoke about how that affected me as a mum, about how my confidence plummeted because I felt like a failure at the one thing us women are meant to do naturally.

We spoke about how I didn’t feel like a  natural stay-at-home-mum, how I had so desperately wanted to work but couldn’t.  We spoke about how desperately I tried to find ways to work from home and how I always seemed so motivated in the beginning and then it always, always, fell flat.  We spoke about how I was so good at getting these things up and running, but for some reason the follow through was always missing.  We spoke about how hell bent I had been for the longest time on getting a degree, but could never find the impetus to finish it, that when I got there, it just never resonated with me.

We spoke about what it was that I was naturally drawn to {what Darren refers to as “giving you energy”} and what it was about all of these things that I loved doing the most.

We went through each thing that I had done in the past.  There were the direct sales things (Tupperware, Avon, Virgin Vie, Kaszazz, Stampin Up, Grace Cosmetics).  Yes, I have done them all.   Then there was First Impressions which was a company I set up to coach school levers on entering the job market.  I then set up Satellite PA where I worked as a virtual assistant from home.  I did a course in Numerology and decided to become a numerologist too (I have no idea what I was thinking with that one).  An eclectic mix to be sure.

“So what is it that you liked about all of these things?”  Mr C asked me.  There has to be at least one thing in each of these things that you have enjoyed doing.

I looked at him.  I knew immediately what it was.  No thinking.  At all.

The setting up of them all,” I said.

Yes, but what is it about the setting up that you really enjoy?  Is it the registering the business name, setting up the bank accounts, what exactly really grabs you?

The designing of all the stationery, and the website, you know, all the pretty stuff.

So, it’s the design you like.

Absolutely, I love that stuff.”  I was aware of the energy surging through my body as I spoke {thank you Darren for making me aware of it}.

So, why have you never gone for design stuff before?

I’ve thought about it often,” I said, “but I can’t draw.  Plus life has just always got in the way.  Plus I always believed that I wouldn’t be good at that stuff.

Because you believed other people were much better than you?

I nodded.  It’s true, I always believe people are better than me.  And I am right, there will always be people who are more artistic, more creative, better at design.  But should that prevent me from following my own dreams?  Do I have to be the best?  Do I have to listen to that script in my head that constantly tells me that in order to be of any value I need to be the best, which then paralyses me from starting anything?

The answer is no.

And there it was.

My dream.

The fire inside my belly.

My light at the end of the longest, darkest tunnel you ever did see.

So, I am going to swallow my pride, my fear, my anxiety and I am going to enrol on a beginners graphic design course.  I have also subscribed to Lynda, which is a monthly paid online course portal that has loads and loads of courses to choose from.  Other places I am looking at is Creative Live and Alison.

The fact that I cannot draw for crap worries me slightly, but surely in the entire world of graphic designers not everyone are virtual Van Goghs, are they?  I have to believe that despite my handicap in hand drawing, the design concepts in my brain can and will be translated on that computer screen.

I at least have to try.

I am nervous.  I have had these feelings before and they have fallen flat.  But perhaps this one is different.  Perhaps I can just learn and absorb and just see where it takes me, rather than try to predict the ending.  Maybe I can just enjoy the journey, not worry about being the best, and just be?

Maybe, just maybe, I will find this new adventure wonderful, and scary, and {dare I even imagine it} FUN!

It’s a scary step this, but I hope that you will take it with me.  I hope that if you are scared, you will know that I am right there with you and that I hope to hell you will make the journey because, you know, we may just enjoy it and five years from now we could be laughing at how silly we were and admiring just how far we’ve come.

If you’ve been on the journey and come out the other end, I would love to know about it.  Please do comment below.

Until next time,

SHW Signature

 

 

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15 thoughts on “And then there was light

  1. So good Sarah! They say the hard part is actually making the decision, then the process becomes much easier as you know what to focus on. I have heard good things about Creative Live and Lynda. I also would love to do a graphic design course. May be next year as I am overcommitted this year! x

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  2. I’m so glad you had the space to have this conversation. Wow, what a journey you’ve been on to get to here. You deserve this. Trust that.
    I’m still in the process of digging to find my path. I hope it’ll come without too many false starts.

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  3. It’s never too late to have epiphany, Sarah 🙂 Good for you! Graphic design sounds fabulous!
    I did my science-y degree as a mature student, did a post grad and came to realize it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life! Talk about wrong path..!
    So I’m pursuing an artsy career now and LOVING it 🙂

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  4. That is fantastic news Sarah. Mr C should be a life coacher ! The way he and you got to the nitty gritty of what made you happy in previous jobs was brilliant. Creative work would be so satisfying. Please keep us updated on how you go with the course.

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